html xmlns:og='' xmlns:expr=''> Lounging at the Waldorf: Humiliating Tales of Humiliation Episode 4: The Multipurpose Room


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Humiliating Tales of Humiliation Episode 4: The Multipurpose Room

It's summer. I just finished 7th grade and am in love with every boy I see. I have frizzy hair. I have clear plastic glasses. I’m 5’5’ and weigh about 77 lbs. In other words, boys are not in love with me.

I’m with my two best friends, Anna and Michelle. The three of us are inseparable. It's the '80's and Anna lives in a brand spankin' new condominium complex nestled between the Pacific Ocean and the Santa Monica sun. Even though there are more interesting things around, like, uh, the beach, we spend hours and hours roaming around the complex. With it's manicured lawns and beige stucco walls, it's our playground, our own little world.

We float in the pool, we in soak in the jacuzzi, we sit at the front lobby and talk the ears off of all the security guards. There's a gym, a sauna, and something, I learn, called a multipurpose room. I also learn that the apartments are not apartments. They're units. In one unit lives Walt and in another unit, there's Adam. They're super cute boys.

After a day chockfull of aimless meandering around the complex, the three of us girls are sitting in the multipurpose room with Walt and Adam. It's dusk. We're tan and in bathing suits and the molecules have come alive with lust, longing, and questions.

Does Walt like Anna?
Does Anna like Walt?
Is Adam in love with Michelle or Anna?
Will a boy ever like me?  Ever?  Ever?

Walt is famous for his hair. A silky black mix courtesy of a Korean mom and a Mexican dad, it glides across his shoulders when he walks and furiously jets behind him when he skateboards. Parted on the side and impervious to ear tucks, the silky mass always falls in front of his face. To combat this eye-covering irritation, he flips his hair back with a quick toss of his neck, constantly. 

It's the most beautiful gesture I've ever seen.

Adam shaves his head and is keenly aware that Walt's hair flipping melts our insides. This pisses him off. So after Walt finishes a story about how he always gets away with cheating on tests (impressive!), Adam tosses his neck back in a perfect imitation of Walt. We all laugh but I laugh so hard that I shoot out a fart.

And it was a semi-wet sounding one, too, because it came out of my damp bikini. 

Five pairs of eyes dart around the room. No one says a word. Every inch of me burns with shame. Me, Anna, and Michelle all go to the bathroom to talk as girls are wont to do. We try to get to the bottom (hee hee) of the mysterious fart. Anna and Michelle both point to me and I point to Anna.

Naturally, I deny it with a few dozen unconvincing words. "Eew! What? Gross! Lame! Nasty! No way! Gross! Eew! No! Me? I never fart!"

Since we don't have a unanimous vote, we decide it was Adam. We return to the multipurpose room and spend the rest of the night giving Adam dirty looks while falling ever more deeply in love with Walt's hair.

Epilogue: Though I changed names and details of this story, the fart and the fact that I never kissed either one of those boys is real, sad, and true.

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