I posted the Chuck Palahniuk quote yesterday because, well, I'll let my actions do the talking. In the past, I've feared the unknown and this is where I've landed:
- In jobs I can't stand
- In friendships with crazy women
- In relationships with insecure men
The psychic masseuse I go to in Los Angeles (stop laughing) told me to start following my instincts. I was very eager to try this whole "listening to yourself" thing, but there was one problem - I didn't know how.
"So, how do you know what...an instinct is...?"
I felt so stupid, like I was asking, "What's water?"
"It's when you feel that opening," she said. "That lightness."
I think my instinct said something like, "Whatevs, lady," as I wrote her a check for a hundred and fifty bucks.
But in order to get my money's worth, I started trying to feel the "opening" when it was time to make a small choice like, Should I get a taco or a burrito? Then the regular thing would happen. That is, the negotiating.
I want a burrito but I'll get a taco. It's less filling. A burrito is too big. I want a burrito and I'm going to get a taco because the tacos will be faster to eat but I want a burrito and I'm getting tacos because burritos are just huge and even though I'm in the mood for a burrito and could eat a horse, the taco is the better choice and that's what I'm getting.
It didn't take long for me to realize that I talk myself out of everything, constantly, and over nothing. In the instance above, I was afraid of what? Being full? Stop eating when you're full. Problem solved. And now I'm going to crack a few more brainteasers:
- I stayed in a job I didn't like because the people were nice and I convinced myself that the job I really wanted was populated with irritating boobs.
- I stayed friends with The Drunk, The Manipulator, and The Sociopath because I was afraid that without them, I'd have no friends at all.
- I dated the jealous, jobless jerk because I was afraid to be a grown up in a grown up relationship even though the whole time I was with him my heart kept whispering, "You're better than this."
But all of that is over and that's why the Palahniuk quote resonated with me. I have walked away from the drama. I'm done with the distractions. I am facing the unknown. And I like it.
Today a burrito, tomorrow the world!
1. Bill Brandt, Ear on the Beach, 1957
2. Eve Arnold, Havana, Cuba, 1954
3. Paul Hill Legs Over High Tor, Matlock, 1975