IYou should not get your mom new boobs. It's awkward because you can't gift wrap them. It's like you're sitting there at brunch and there's nothing for her to open except her blouse. And that's only if you and your siblings got it together to schedule the surgery before Mother's Day! If she really wants the boobs, the easier route would be to help her find a new, shallow husband.
IISpeaking of men, if your mom is like mine (that is, black), for Mother's Day, she probably doesn't want a white guy. If, like me, you've brought home more than a few white guys, then you're familiar with your mom's polite smile followed by the "Well, at least she's not gay" expression in her eyes. If you've been on the receiving end of this exchange, then it's a fairly clear signal that you're mom is not interested in having a white guy of her own. Unless, of course, he can save her a lot of money on her taxes (i.e. Jewish).
IIIFor the most part, I would shy away from getting mom meth. To have a mom on meth is, at this point, kind of cliché. What's worse, she will eventually end up at your cousin's house trying to score or worse, attempting to cook up her own. Anybody else's mom a terrible cook? Hollah!
IVPerhaps you have kids. Perhaps you have a lot of kids. Perhaps you have so many kids that you have grown tired of the first one you popped out and you're thinking, "I bet the one with the baseball hat is mom's favorite grandson." Do not, I repeat, do not leave that kid at her house with a bow around it's neck and a note in his pocket. She tried that Mother's Day 1984 with you and her own mother. It didn't work then and the laws way are stricter now.
So, to recap, for Mother's Day, do not give your mom meth, boobs, a white guy, or one of your kids. Oh, or a Brazilian.
VHave you ever seen a gray haired Brazilian bikini wax? Did you just envision it now and then throw up a little bit in the back of your mouth? Well, then, I rest my case.
1. New Line Cinema
2. Poorly Dressed
3. Paul Rand