html xmlns:og='' xmlns:expr=''> Lounging at the Waldorf: What Not to Give for Mother's Day


Thursday, May 10, 2012

What Not to Give for Mother's Day

The hard hitting news site Yahoo! Shopping recently ran an expose entitled What Not to Give for Mother's Day.  The no-no list include diet books, gag gifts, As Seen on TV gizmos, and wrinkle cream. Though Yahoo! Shopping usually delivers probing, "gotcha" journalism, this time I think they missed more than a few crucial items. If I may be so bold, I'd like to provide some additional entries to the What Not to Give for Mother's Day list.

You should not get your mom new boobs. It's awkward because you can't gift wrap them. It's like you're sitting there at brunch and there's nothing for her to open except her blouse.  And that's only if you and your siblings got it together to schedule the surgery before Mother's Day! If she really wants the boobs, the easier route would be to help her find a new, shallow husband.

A Dirty Shame, movie, poster, New Line Cinema, John Waters, Tracey Ullman, Johnny Knoxville, Selma Blair

Speaking of men, if your mom is like mine (that is, black), for Mother's Day, she probably doesn't want a white guy. If, like me, you've brought home more than a few white guys, then you're familiar with your mom's polite smile followed by the "Well, at least she's not gay" expression in her eyes. If you've been on the receiving end of this exchange, then it's a fairly clear signal that you're mom is not interested in having a white guy of her own. Unless, of course, he can save her a lot of money on her taxes (i.e. Jewish).

White guy, poorly dressed, narcissist

For the most part, I would shy away from getting mom meth. To have a mom on meth is, at this point, kind of cliché. What's worse, she will eventually end up at your cousin's house trying to score or worse, attempting to cook up her own. Anybody else's mom a terrible cook? Hollah!

Paul Rand, medicine, pills, syringe, poster, modern, design, Big Families

Perhaps you have kids.  Perhaps you have a lot of kids. Perhaps you have so many kids that you have grown tired of the first one you popped out and you're thinking, "I bet the one with the baseball hat is mom's favorite grandson." Do not, I repeat, do not leave that kid at her house with a bow around it's neck and a note in his pocket. She tried that Mother's Day 1984 with you and her own mother. It didn't work then and the laws way are stricter now.

Octomom, Nadya Suleman, octuplets

So, to recap, for Mother's Day, do not give your mom meth, boobs, a white guy, or one of your kids. Oh, or a Brazilian.
Have you ever seen a gray haired Brazilian bikini wax? Did you just envision it now and then throw up a little bit in the back of your mouth? Well, then, I rest my case.

Flag of Brazil, Brazilian Flag

Image Credits
1. New Line Cinema
2. Poorly Dressed
3. Paul Rand
4. Splash
5. Wikipedia 

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