It is a well established rumor that one in ten Euros are conceived in an IKEA bed. No, not the Euro aka the doomed currency which Sweden shunned like a Jehovah's Witness on your doorstep. I'm talking about the species of humans called Euros, like the ones who make the elegant Eurovision Song Contest. Speaking of Eurovision, guess who won this year?
That's right, the Swedes won Eurovision with the suspiciously titled song, Euphoria. Loreen is the the singer and, as you can see, she's very sexy. An otherworldly mutant with a body covered with hungry tentacles, but still very sexy.
I would post Loreen's video but I'm sure it contains subliminal messaging about her country's lusty desire to infiltrate our minds and force us to dizzily scurry around a race track of affordable home furnishings like a mice in a maze while doing our best to mutter their unpronounceable language. Oh, wait, they've already done that.
Unlike the Euros, we Americans have shopped at IKEA while keeping the sexy times out of it. But now that's changing. Yesterday it was reported that teens have been humping behind the IKEA in Red Hook, Brooklyn.
Said 16-year-old Monia, "There are lights that are purple and blue and change color. It's beautiful, like a wedding thing."
No, Monia. It's not like a wedding thing. It's like a brainwashing thing! Here's my theory:
IKEA, with it's beautiful lights, makes you crazy which in turn makes you fight with your husband or boyfriend. Annoyed, you storm off to the restaurant and angrily eat some meatballs. The meatballs impregnate you but in order for them to mutate, you have to have sex. And since you've been fighting, you're definitely having sex when you get home. Or maybe the desires of the meatballs are so strong, you guys just do it behind the store. A few months later, when your meatball baby is björn, it comes out a pre-made pop star that dominates Eurovision and then the world.
It might sound ridiculous but really, how else could you explain this?
1. Adriana, etsy.com/people/betterthanliving
2. Andres Putting
3. Raina Moore
4. Guds Hand