html xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' xmlns:expr='http://www.google.com/2005/gml/expr'> Lounging at the Waldorf: Tell All

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Monday, June 9, 2014

Tell All

Andy Cohen, former head of development at Bravo, executive producer of all the Real Housewives shows, and current host of Watch What Happens: Liveannounced that he is developing a new series entitled, I Slept with a Celebrity. As I am a daughter from the City of Angels, it will come as no surprise that yes, I have done sex with several celebrities. 


In LA, bedding the acclaimed is a right of passage. It's the way you become not just a woman but a cool, invite-me-to-your-Botox-party kind of woman. Look, I wasn't born into a "culture" with "God" or "standards." I was never going to have a quinceañera or bat mitzvah. But cramped afternoons of passion in a leased Camry behind the Fox lot with a day player from House, MD? Mine. All mine.

Before I spill the beans on all the famous sheets I've soiled, I want to make one thing clear: this is in no way meant to make those of you from smaller, less glamorous places feel that sleeping with a celebrity is somehow out of your reach. It is in your reach! You can definitely do what I did. But you'll have to be creative.

Is there a car dealer or refrigerator repair guy in your area who stars in his own commercials? That's a celebrity!

Who does the morning weather in your town? Trust me, those guys are always up for some sunshine!

Is the highest paid person in your community a beige shorts wearing, whistle blowing, headset donning high school football coach? They do TV interviews all the time! Sleep. With. Him. 

Okay, I've held out long enough (not my strong suit). Here's just some of the celebrities I've done.

Weird Al Yankovic

You thought he got his name from performing zany pop parodies? Hell, no. Al was into it all. Twizzlers. Carburetors. New Jersey. He dared me to be stupid. He took me to Amish Paradise. I will forever hold his mustache close to my heart because on our second date, I got his mustache tattooed on my chest right above my heart. Oddly, I never heard from him again.

Sisqo

I don't mean to brag Thong Song is about me, not panties. The correct meaning is "a thong" as in "one half of a pair of flip flops." I buy them by the dozen at the 99 cent store then decorate them myself. Feathers, beads, bits of broken toys. So one time, after a beautiful steak dinner at Sizzler, Sisqo had playfully hidden one of my sandals that had tiny dump trucks glued to it. I couldn't find it anywhere! Turns out it was in my butt crack the whole time! And now you know the meaning of the lyric, "She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck." Talk about behind the music! He left me after shooting the video and finding out what the other kind of thong is.


Bea Arthur

I thought she was a dude. I thought it was "B. Arthur" and that the full name was not permanently missing but somehow optional like Oprah or Shaq. Just because Bea turned out to be a lady, that is not to say she wasn't a gentleman. She absolutely was. She showed up at my door with flowers, champagne, vitamins, gas money, and a Costco sized box of tampons. She'd already gone through the change and was all, "They've been in the cupboard for awhile. Just dust them off. They're perfectly fine and the savings to you will be significant." She was right. What she was WRONG about was leaving me to study Buddhism with some 12 year old rinpoche in the backwoods of Idaho.


Alf

Of all my exes, he was the one with the most Hollywood demands. No bendy straws. No domestic cheese. Nothing but Lionel Ritchie on the hi fi. And the cats. Jesus, I have never had to hunt down so many stray cats! One or two, okay, but it was a nightly thing. It was exhausting. One morning I went out to get him a pack of Starburst for breakfast (orange and pink only) and I simply never went back. And you thought I was odd and desperate and was never the dumper/always the dumpee. HA!

Gene Shalit

I fell for this fuzzball while he was shooting a Proactiv Solution commercial in Laguna Beach. Stop. Laughing. Adult acne is a serious disability that can wreck havoc on your self-esteem and render you ineligible for a job promotion! Like his hair, our time together was pillowy soft and dreamy. I thought we had something good going but alas, he went back to New York to resume his duties as million year old movie reviewer on NBC's the Today Show. So I packed up all my belongings and got an apartment in midtown Manhattan. Sure, you're retired now but I'm still here Gene! Call me!








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