html xmlns:og='' xmlns:expr=''> Lounging at the Waldorf: Winning


Thursday, August 18, 2016


Don't lie. You have a lottery fantasy. We all do. This is mine:

I'm at work. It MUST happen at work for drah-mah, to juxtapose my old, grayscale life to my new Technicolor one. I read the winning numbers on my computer screen. I am in shock yet completely at ease. Inhale, exhale. I pick up my purse. Now I know that all the yoga I've ever done in life was preparation to keep me calm and focussed in this moment.

"Hey, everybody," I say, voice slightly disconnected from my body. "It looks like I just won $100 million so I'm giving my two weeks notice."

Oh, I'm so generous!

"But I have enough vacation days that I don't have to be here for any of that."

Like peeing in a dream, being this passive-aggressive has never felt so good.

"You've all been great! I mean that!"

Sincerity counts.

"Except you," I say, turning to a paranoid brunette who cries in meetings and only eats M&M's.
 "You're crazy. But in the next few days, I promise to Venmo you funds to cover your toddler's eminent therapy." We share a meaningful embrace.

Then I hop a cab to JFK where my husband is waiting for me, passports in hand, and we take the next plane to France.

In another version, I don't say a word. I simply bolt for the door. My coworkers see nothing except the chair at my desk spinning and a trail of smoke a la Roadrunner billowing from my superfast feet. Beep! Beep!

Then I hop a cab to JFK where my husband is waiting for me, passports in hand, and we take the next plane to France.

What I never do is go on the news. I don't hold a giant check. I don't smile so hard that my teeth might burst. I don't beam like the sun for the local news. As I have no intention of splitting the booty with some uncle I haven't seen since the '80's, there is no reason to announce my windfall to the world. Anyways, I won't be available for interviews. Nous! Serons! En! France!

But if you're the type that wants to share the story of your good fortune while protecting yourself from the outstretched palms of forgotten cousins, the good people of China have come up with a foolproof plan just for you: talk to the media while wearing a crazy ass costume.

Slightly Shy Panda Guy
$85 million

The Saggy Baggy Baymax
$27 million

Purple Nose Teddy Graham Luchador Flintstone
$80 million

Daft Punk
$27 million
Don't get me wrong. I'm not greedy. I have earmarked funds for charitable works, too. I'll completely overhaul of the senior center in the Bowery and Nuestros Niños preschool in Brooklyn. I'll build affordable housing. Contribute to Alzheimer's research. Fund sustainable modes of public transportation. Grow community gardens and offer food education for all. 

I got plans, baby. Big plans! 

Now the first step, I guess, would actually be buying a lottery ticket...

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