When I look in the mirror, I see my mom's body! Saggy bits. Mystery bruises. Spare tire, spare backseat, spare whole car. I've tried diets and exercise. Okay, I haven't tried diet or exercise. Help!
-- FLABBY IN FT. LAUDERDALE
I know exactly how you feel. As our bodies age, we turn old. You're obviously afraid of this just like I was. Here's how I handled it.
When I run into old friends and they say, "Dina? Dina Malone?"
I say, "No, I'm her 62-year-old mother, Carol. I raised three kids on my own. One of them is a compulsive liar."
You see, Flabby, you master the fear by becoming the fear. That way, you no longer look like crap for you. You look GREAT for her!
If this upsets your mom - and it will - go ahead and ignore her pleas for you to stop. I don't know your background, but your mother owes you. All of them owe all of us. Remember that.
My best friend got sober. Now he's really boring but I want to be supportive. What to do?
-- YAWNING IN WASHINGTON
Ever skin a rat or work a job that isn't yours? How about follow a stranger with a camcorder from the 80's or bathe in found food?
When you're a gutter drunk, you can miss out on these and all of life's little pleasures. So keep hanging out with your best friend but find new ways of having fun! Do things you've never done together like sex. Better yet, tape it on that '80's camcorder! Don't have a VCR? Come to my garage! I have twelve.
My daughter is an ingrate. I gave up my lucrative nightclub singing career to raise her and her brothers (both doctors). Now all she does is tell lies and hoard useless junk!
Even worse, I hear she's impersonating me! Several members of our community have spotted her at the mall wearing a wig similar to my hair (a timeless bob) and describing her/my physique as "ostrich-y." My legs are long and thin (just like a dancer's). So I'm a little beefy in the middle! It's better than trying to wash my hair in old matzoh ball soup.
Yes, she does that.
Dina, I think you are the only one who can stop her. Can you please help my daughter her help herself?
-- MICHIGAN MOM
DEAR MICHIGAN MOM,
I am currently out of the office, in the garage, watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Videos! Not downloads. If you require advice, go talk to one of your perfect doctor sons.