html xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' xmlns:expr='http://www.google.com/2005/gml/expr'> Lounging at the Waldorf: Campaign Wishes, Cavalier Dreams

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Monday, February 20, 2017

Campaign Wishes, Cavalier Dreams

President Trump doesn't need a job, okay? He has a job. In fact, he has only applied for one job in his entire life and the American people gave it to him. So there.

During the application period aka the campaign aka when we fell in love with him, he promised to bring manufacturing jobs back to the United States. Not for himself, but for you. He wants you to have a job, okay? That's generosity. Appreciate it.

Just like jeans, jobs come in and out of fashion. The President doesn't need jeans. He wears exquisite suits. But we wear jeans and he will make jobs like Levis makes jeans. Wait, those are made in Sri Lanka now. Whatever. You know what I mean!

Nerdy naysayers are all, "Factories are mechanized now. Factories have robots and don't need people." You know what? Eff you. The President said he'd bring back manufacturing jobs and he will. I bet he's going to bring back all kinds of jobs! Just because a line of work is no longer in fashion doesn't mean someone can't do it. It's just like girls bringing back mom jeans. The President is as awesome as a fashion forward girl. Get used to it.


Barber/Surgeons


They could cut hair. They could lance a boil. They could slice away the pancreas and replace it with something more useful like a quince or an orphan.

Then "progress" and "hygiene" and "common sense" got in the way of  medieval blood arts. Give me a break.  Do you have time to get a trim and have a leg amputated? I think not. Our president will definitely restore this profession. And he will do it even though his hair is flawless.


Telephone Operators on Roller Skates


This profession is returning because, wow, would you look at those legs? The president is a man, the best man, actually. He has a thing for ladies on skates. It's normal, okay?


Phrenologists


These brilliant men of the 19th century could tell a lot of things about a person just by measuring his or her head. Is the patient erratic? Dishonest? Criminal? Crazy? Sexy? Cool? What if I told you that President The Donald has all of these qualities and more as evidenced by his magnificent skull? That's right dummies: the real reason for his unique plumage is to hide his perfect head so as not to make the rest of us jealous/suicidal.  #RealNews


Wet Nurse


Breast feeding. Disgusting, right? That's why you hire a stranger to feed your kid. The boobs of your wife stay yours and your kid gets these other boobs. But here's where the magic comes in: once your baby touches the strangers' boobs, those boobs are now yours, too! That's four frickin' boobs! President Perfect calls this a win win win win situation and he is currently negotiating how this strategy can apply to other parts of women, too. Hint: you just grab.





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