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Monday, March 6, 2017

Power Mops

Opposition to the president they call #45 has inspired many people to get politically active. Neighbors are getting involved in local causes, writing letters, speaking out at town hall meetings. Some are even considering making a bid for public office themselves. To that end, I say to anyone looking to put themselves on the ballot, time to rethink your hair game, kid. Because Trump only had one thing over Hillary: hair. 

Need some inspiration? Here's some of the word's best governmental coiffures. Because your way to the top, starts at the top!™
™Lounging at the Waldorf, Inc.

Valentina Petrenko
Member of the Federation, Russia

I don't know what Valentina Petrenko's policies are and I don't care. Her marvelous poof looks like Frankenstein's head cross-pollinated with a pair of black lacy panties and that's good enough for me.



The scalloped edges of this sophisticated trapezoid give her the overall appearance of a canned ham dipped in caviar then run over with a car. I have no idea if that is a Russian delicacy or not but that doesn't matter. It sounds like one and the first rule of modern politics is almost being true counts, too.

Boris Johnson
Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, United Kingdom


Though difficult to tell the difference, one image is of British politician Boris Johnson and the other is the soft coral commonly known as a "sea pen." One was pulled soaking wet out of the Irish Sea and one went to Oxford. It's up to you figure out which is which.


Kim Jong-un
Chairman of the Workers' Party of Korea


If you like Lady Gaga's hair bow, you will adore Kim Jong-un's hair bow! It is similar but better because it is not a prosthetic! It's his own glorious biology! He is the supreme leader of North Korea and he - not Lady Gaga - is the most important idol to tween girls and young, male homosexuals! He even invented the words, "Yaaaas, kween!"


Instead of a food roll, delight in Kim Jong-un's hair roll! It is not food which is not necessary! If you are a citizen of North Korea and are starving, just look to the Dear Leader! The mere sight of him will sustain you! Actual food is overrated! These are terrible jokes! No one reads this blog! Please don't poison me!

Chantal Biya
First Lady, Cameroon

I believe I can fly. 



I believe I can touch the sky.




I think about it every night and day.




Spread my wings and fly away.



Yulia Tymoshenko
Former Prime Minister, Ukraine


Westeros. Middle Earth. A galaxy far, far away. The Ukraine, like many great kingdoms, has been governed by austere glances, ice cold fashion, and braids of surgical precision. This is not fiction. This is fact.



So if you are considering ruling anything from the PTA to the presidency of your co-op board, remember, your hair is your crown. It's magnificence has been placed upon your head by God. Know who you are. Now go for it.









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